What am I doing?!?

Are you anything like me? Do you sometimes get that "what the F am I doing " feeling? It's been creeping up on me for a while now, or maybe it's always there and I've just become really good at ignoring it....

I don't know what I was expecting when I moved back to the land of the free or the home of imported cherry blossoms that still have yet to bloom (Washington, D.C.). My needs were pretty basic at the time: get job, get apartment. I landed myself a job right back in International Development, HQ style, and got a decent little apartment. On the home front, I have exactly what I've wanted for a long time: a space that's all mine that I can decorate as I feel and can unpack all my belongings that have been stored in various locations over the last few years. I love my neighborhood, slowly meeting new people and best of all the city of Washington.

On the career front....well I'm not so sure. What I find very scary is that after only 6 months my job feels safe. Not in the "I can't get fired" way, but more "I know the path that lies ahead of me." I can keep doing what I'm doing and sloooowly climb the ranks of the non-profit/contractor circle or possibly make a play for a government job working on behalf of the American people. Either way, it all invokes me spending way too much time in front of a computer. The one thing I do know for sure is that I don't want to stick to anything just because it's comfortable and safe (I have yet to have a job that pays me mega bucks so I don't know what it's like to stick to something just for $$). I'm still naive/idealistic in wanting to spend my working years, i.e. the majority of my life, doing something that is challenging and yet rewarding. I guess my challenge lies in finding/creating such work that still pays enough to keep a roof over my head.....

Liberia, Sierra Leone and Sudan

What do these three countries all have in common?!?! Well, today I found out that the three projects that my company manages in those countries may be coming to my portfolio and they may need a new lacky! Like a pup knowing a bone is about to be thrown, I was basically leaping all over my manager saying 'PLEASE, PLEASE, PICK ME!!!' (obviously in a more demure, professional, less desperate manner). While I'll continue managing my current projects in Iraq, just the mere possibility of working on a project in Africa sent my spirit leaping and laughing along.

*Note: In my line of duty, 'working' on a project means that you get to go to the country where that project is located hence the opportunity to travel to a country I want to go to is very exciting!

What next?

This is by far the BIGGEST question on my mind now. Now while I think that most people only make BIG life decisions and moves a few times in their lives (I'm sure there is some statistic to prove me right), I seem to make these big big decisions at least every other year or so. It was only last year that I was deciding between finally signing a lease in New York City and staying on there OR coming back to Sudan! It's pretty clear how that decision played out...

But now I'm back again....BIG DECISION time!!! So the choices would appear pretty simple: continue working abroad or move back to the U.S. But they don't feel simple at all! The choice seems big, scary, final, and all other words associated with 'not easy.' This isn't to say that life's decisions should be easy, it's just nice when they are sometimes.

Every time I come to this 'big decision time,' I always start thinking about the BIG questions like: what is important in life? and what do I want to be when I grow up and how is THIS decision going to get me closer? and I know I'm suppose to be listening to my gut and all that, but my gut tells me a lot!!

Either decision seems to have a biblical list of pros and cons. For example, living abroad means I get to continue traveling and maybe get to know a new city (or village considering it's really about where I get a job) but it also means I continue living a gazillion miles from my friends and family (in this line of work, the friends you make today could be moving to Sri Lanka tomorrow) who are anchored in the East Coast. On the other hand, moving back the U.S. could mean I could FINALLY get involved with some other stuff (more artsy, creative, entrepreneurial ) that I've been talking about for YEARS!! But I'm not even sure what city I would move back to! I've already lived in New York, Washington, D.C. and Boston, but I'm not sure I want to move back to any of those cities. Maybe Philadelphia or Portland or Providence or Burlington???? I definitely want to stick to the East Coast...although I also did LOVE Seattle, and the southwest is warm unlike the tundra that is the NE in winter.....??? Reminder: I've been living in the heat that is Sudan for the past 11 months so freezing endless weather is DEFINITELY a factor in this decision.

Anyway now that I've had my Cry Out Loud (COL) moment, back to strategic panicking...NO! I mean PLANNING!! ;)